Loving all of me

love-me

I’ve come to the conclusion that the most challenging aspect of being an entrepreneur is managing my internal freak-outs.

Last week, I had an epic meltdown. It had been building for a while. There wasn’t one thing that sent me over the edge, but several smaller things combined to create the perfect internal storm. Some unexpected bills came in. Conversations I had with potential clients failed to result in any new business. A cash flow issue resulted in missing a credit card payment for the first time in my life.

Now there’s nothing inherently unique about any of these events. They are all part and parcel of the experience of operating a new business. It’s what I allowed these things to mean about me and my business that was the problem.  I started going down the road of, “My business is a failure.  I am a failure. This is too hard. I can’t do this.”

And then the emotions associated with these beliefs showed up. There was comparison. “How come other people make plenty of money and I’m still struggling.”  There was anger. “It’s not fair that I’m not more successful.”  I started wallowing in pity, feeling sorry for myself, going over the excuses I have for why it’s taking so much longer than I hoped it would. “I’m a single mom. I’ve only been back in the US for 20 months. I’m experiencing a huge life transition that is entirely outside of my business. My daughter is in poor health.” There was exhaustion too. “I’m working so hard and not getting the results I want so desperately to see and I don’t know what else to do except work harder.”

Then came the thoughts of wondering if I’m really cut out for this. Should I keep going or is it time to pack it up and call it a day? Both those options seem unpleasant. Moving forward requires me to work through some difficult times and difficult emotions. Packing it up means losing all I’ve worked so hard for up until now.

Times like this bring up all of my stuff…unhealed stuff…parts of me that I wish didn’t exist. The angry part, the “poor me” part, the competitive part, the physically weak part.

the-gifts-of-imperfection-quote

I used to get upset at these parts of me when they would rear their ugly little heads, and I would switch into full-on conflict/confrontation mode—all internally, mind you. I would do everything I could to make these parts shut up, and go away (a tactic that didn’t work very well). I’ve always had a fair amount of shame associated with these “negative” parts of me or the negative emotions I feel.

What’s different now is that I’m learning to listen to these parts, and what they have to say and I’m learning to love them.  Easy to say. Harder to put into practice.

During this difficult week, John Legend’s “All of me” kept playing on the radio. Every time I drove anywhere, it was there playing on the radio for me. I couldn’t get away from it even if I tried. One time I switched stations in a “what is it with this song?” exasperation, and there it was playing on the station I changed to. It moved me to tears every time I heard it.

I’ve always wanted someone in my life that would love all parts of me, even the difficult or hard-to-love parts.  And now, I have the tools to be that someone! I can—and choose to—love all the parts of me, instead of judging, criticizing, or hating.

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I can love myself through the rough spots, through the times that bring up all my stuff. I can stand by myself and not run away when the going gets hard, and when I’m not reacting the way I would like to the circumstances of my life.

I decided to make this song the love song that I would sing to myself, the song that would exemplify my personal acceptance of myself.

Listen to John Legend’s “All of Me” here.

Youtube version here.

I choose to love my curves and all my edges, all my perfect imperfections.  I will accept the “you’re crazy and I’m out of my mind” parts.  I’ll commit to sticking around through all my moods. And with all the cards on the table, I’ll risk it all, no matter how hard.

Not surprising, as soon as I made a shift from resistance into love, all kinds of new things opened up in my business. The week following was one of my best weeks ever, in terms of new clients, opportunities and revenue.

Do you find yourself at war with yourself? I’m curious what types of situations or circumstances trigger you into internal conflict. What do you feel you most need when you’re there? I would love to hear from you about your experiences. Leave a comment.

Lyrics:

“All Of Me”

What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright.

My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, in my head for you

My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it’s hard

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

 

 

1 comment

  1. Cathy Lynn March 24, 2014 at 4:41 pm Reply

    LOVE the tie-in with how music can help you along during life’s “little bumps in the road” to move and inspire you towards a greater existence and expression of who you really are!! xxoo

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